So there we were, innocently travelling down the body of a mostly dead, immortal snake god, when things began to get weird. The Serpent man who we freed said something wasn’t quite right ahead and told us to avoid it. Intrepid travelers we may be, but I don’t know fuck-all about changing course yig-back. Turns out, neither did anyone else. Something loomed ahead in the impossible dimension spanning snake void – weirdo, somehow orderly patterns of time-space anomaly fireworks cascaded across the infinity of the void. Avoid them! Shit. We didn’t. Fuck! Boom!
Although, maybe some of us did because when we blasted through the psychadelic hellscape – Aetheric Pulsar – we were missing our Gretta, Father Aerik, and the Snakefather.
So, disgorged from the space vagina, we behold… assholes! Not literally. Two gents in funny dress. One like a rag merchant with an odd hat, Dwight, and another with loads of strange armor and two big sticks poking out his back, Kyron. (Cowboy, Aeronaught – fuck off Chezza, mine were better)They speak like they’ve got more time than us. Everything. is reeeaal. draaawn. ouuuut. Although they do speak a wee bit closer to me than everyone else does, except for the sounding brain damaged part, although the way Olis reacts sometimes, I might give that impression as well. I definitely feel that way about you.
Also, Marcel is Possessed by the witch of Belout, so that’s neat.
So, big dome, made of shiny glowing shit that would probably be shiny even if it wasn’t glowing. Some sort of synthetic material. SITE 109. Dwigth says there’s not many lawmen in Gateway City. Sounds like a Yen Enoth analog? Are we in an alternate dimension? I explain this to them. I explain about the snake monoliths – quill through two pieces of parchment, you know the drill. Time-space vortices Also that probably, we’re not on the same page, possibly two different pages in the same book. Kiddie stuff, you know. I think Dwight gets it, but I’m not certain.
They ramble on about someone called Cartweight. He’s apparently a real DOOSH. Which means ancient and learned. Also, I’m apparently a witch here also. Dwight and Karen, Kyron? Something. They’re bounty hunters or mercs or slavers or some combination thereof. They’ve got GUNS, which are like wands, but harder to use. You have put little bits in them before they’re good for murder. Chemical, alchemical, and mechanical – cartridges. Magic can be channeled through them, Mr. Dwight knows this art.
Charon says he’s an Aeronaught, but won’t teach me how to be one also. Says it’s really hard. He’s very impressed with himself. They work for Ryquist Caville, who wanted this Cartweight. He’s going to be very cross with them, so to make up for this, they gather up all kinds of shit from inside SITE 109! CIRCUIT BOARDS, etc.
We learn about RADS – which is a unit of measuring poison in the everything.
Outside is a jungle, very beautiful, but also dangerous? We are loaded into THE BEAST. A metal golem-wagon – automobile – with an angry demon trapped inside – Aetheric Converter. They have loads of men waiting outside, which sort of work for them, but also seem hostile about not getting paid. There is a BACK HO, which is another frightful automaton.
On the way back we’re ambushed by some other assholes who laugh at Dwight when they find out he hasn’t got Cartweight. They have yet another automaton. It’s bipedal and armed with a GATLING GUN. Gatling means “kill everything.”
Dwight: “Cars can’t attack.”
The place we are is called the LEBARK MOUNTAINS. It is west of GATEWAY CITY.
Doctors wear leather. I am upgraded to a Witch/Doctor/Prostitute. Witchdoctorprostitute.
Arriving in Gateway city – which is a big bowl, filled with buildings, surrounded by fake rock walls – ferrocrete -.
I’m told not to go near the CHURCH OF THE REDEEMER because I’m posessed. But, since it’s spirits instead of demons, maybe I won’t be burned at the stake. Maybe. Fuck yes, religion is still shit, mostly.
Mayoral Palace is where the rulers live.
We go to the Inquisitive Mew. We meet the fat man and the gaunt man. Fat man is Mr. Caville. He smells of cheese and turnip, innit? Something close. Cartweight owed him money, and now he thinks that’s Dwight’s and Charken’s problem. He postures about it, makes the spooky 7 foot tall monster grab shit from the top shelves to intimidate us with his book keeping skills. All this is bollocks because clearly, what’s more important than some twat owing him money is that his men have brought him proof of inter-dimensional travel, and real life ALIENS. Because, technically, that’s what we are.
I broker an amazing deal in which tubby funds our exploration of this weird ass place, we get to explore post apocalyptic ruins – did I mention that this place had their apocalypse already? Because they did, and it wasn’t demons or summat. It was them. They blew themselves up, because reasons! – look for other aether-whatsit makers – Aetheric Pulsar and I suppose send ourselves home, or somewhere new. Fatty fat wants the tech for himself. Personally, I think Dwight and K should just use it for themselves and fuck the creep, but we don’t care because we’ll have gone through the portal on to whatever comes next.
There’s an arch in the river filled with ghosts and some “stupid flying god.” “SPIRIT OF SAINT LOUIS!”
There’s only one moon. It’s called THE MOON, which is rubbish. I name it Lawrence. It likes it. You all saw that it does.
I bought loads of clothes. I am now PUNK ROCK. This is a very worthwhile thing to be. I will be getting various things pierced. This pleases me.
We go to the voluptuous pint glass or whatever. Stein? Swan? They’ve got whores and drugs. I’m a witchdoctorprostitute, so I get pissed and defile myself to an extent that impresses even me. I AM WHOLE, give unto me all the whores! Chezza likes it. Are you sure it’s not just your idea of Chezza who you’re pretending likes it? Pretty sure, the lines are almost gone, way past blurred. This is healthy.
We go to the University where Cartweight worked. I incorporate Professor Frederick whitehorse Hernandez, pre-columbian Archaeologist. He worked in Cartweight’s office before the world blew up. He’s definitely a DOUCHE – he knows how to spell it.
I speak like I’m from GREAT BRITAIN. Which must be the best place on this world.
Cartweight was researching DOE sights, which aren’t places where they’ve loads of female deer. It’s DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY. I learn about the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, which was the king before the Boom! POTUS was a very powerful wizard and he had a council of other wizards which helped him run USA. I think he was worried that they’d try and take power from him, because he kept them in an enchanted cabinet, which he could enter, and meet with them to share their wisdom. Anyway, the DOE Wizard maybe created all the portal sites. So we’ve got to seek them out and find another one.
Guy named Oppenheimer created the ATOMIC BOMB. When he did, he said “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” Yep. Asshole.
So, loads of places to go. West of PUEBLO – Cannibals there. TRINITY SITE, where they made the bombs. NORAD. TENNESSEE VALLEY. GROOM LAKE in NEVADA. This is where the alphabet men made secret plans.
By the way. The reason Oppenheimer made the bombs. Everybody in the world was at war with these guys called the NOT-Zs. Really awful, killed everybody and yelled. Put JEWS in ovens for no good reason. They had skulls on their hats, so really awful. Anyway, they made bombs so that nobody like that ever happened again and ended up probably using them against one of the groups that helped them fight the NOT-Zs. THE REDS!
Putz means cousin.
The ancients could infuse life into things – “The Adam”
We need to go to Cartweight’s TOWNHOUSE and his SAFE-DEPOSIT-BOX.
Everyone here is as crazy as me. Maybe not as smart, though.